Television

Since the invasion of the flu virus, I have had little else to do but watch television. I normally do not watch TV, and today I realized why....there's really just nothing on! We have over 500 channels, and still, I cannot find something worth watching. Why do I want to know what celebrities are pregnant and wearing bikinis? Why do I want to watch what the Kardashians do in their day-to-day lives as I sit on my couch doing nothing? Today, I discovered a show called "Is She Really Going Out with Him?" It's about nice girls who go out with guys who cheat on them and treat them like crap. So it's basically girls with no standards who are willing to date guys who are tools...and they pain they all suffer as a result. Wow. TV rocks.

I remember

I distinctly remember Anneke and I hiding in her closet making prank phone calls to her mom's business and trying unsuccessfully to stifle our giggles. I remember staying up late and sneaking out of her room to get a snack when we were supposed to be asleep. I remember building forts in her basement using ugly, floral sheets and furniture. I remember the time we put soap all over the floor of a public bathroom because it was dirty and we wanted to help by cleaning it...when really the soaping resulted in lots of people falling on the slippery (but clean) floor.

I remember finding out her family was moving to Colorado, and how I cried myself to sleep for weeks. I remember promising we'd be best friends forever and making plans to talk to each other as much as possible. There were long phone calls almost every week and visits every summer.

I remember the sinking feeling in my stomach when I found out she'd started cutting herself...and how things between us were never quite the same after that. I remember being a helpless 7th grader with no clue how to be there for her.

Remembering makes me sad sometimes. I haven't talked to Anneke consistently in about 3 years. Her mom e-mailed me today asking me to pray for Anneke. She struggles with drug addiction and has already had a friend die from a heroine overdose. She's been in rehab, but can't manage to stay clean. She probably has no clue how much Jesus loves her...

I once again find myself feeling like a helpless 7th grader with no clue how to face the struggles ahead... Remembering makes me sad sometimes.

Time to Start Living

Church on Sunday was wonderful. I didn't feel I connected much with the message that morning, yet God still spoke to me so much through the music and a woman named Carolyn who prayed with me after service. I could almost hear Jesus saying: I died that you may have life. It's time for you to start living!

It was one of those days where things you already know becomes like new again. Maybe I'm just stupid and forgetful, but I love the fact that, in spite of that, God will continue to remind me of his love. Always. It's time to start living, folks. Don't allow your fears to paralyze you!

Worry

I quit my job Monday because they didn't give me any hours--I worked 1 real shift in 3 weeks. I have high hopes the doctors' office will re-hire me, but I haven't received official word. I have no idea where the money for my tuition is going to come from. I have no clue how it will be possible for me to go to Bethel next year... I don't even know what to do.

Always Remember

"Never doubt in the darkness what God has shown you in the light." --David Winter

There's been a lot of death lately, and I'm not just talking about celebrities. In the past month or so, I just feel like there's been so much loss in people's lives. There were some siblings I used to swim with in high school, and their mom passed away two years ago. Their dad died this weekend...there are 8 kids, the youngest in 2nd grade. The 24 year old moved home and is paying the bills and taking care of the kids. My heart just aches for them, and for everyone who's experienced such terrible loss.

I was talking to my friend Jamie about how sad I was for people and how it was hard to not think about it sometimes, and she offered this wonderful advice: Always remember God's goodness to you in the past.

I immediately reflected on the past year and the word "grace" automatically came to mind. This year, God spared Kortney's life, and He healed my dad's body of cancer. God restored friendships I never thought could be restored, and He put the most wonderfully encouraging and godly people in my life to help me get through the year.

It was the hardest year of my life. I experienced a lot of heartache and grief...but I've gotten to a point where I'm so thankful for all that happened because of how much I've learned about God. I understand words like "grace" so much better. I understand God's love and provision so much more. How could I lose sight of that?

It's okay to be sad for people and to have a heavy heart, but it can't get to the point where my view of God's goodness is clouded by grief. God is good all the time. His will is perfect always. If it's hard to put hope in God's promises for the future, then just look to the past at all He's already done for you. Always remember.

Settling

I've recently been hit with the fact that I'm settling in a lot of ways. This summer, I had one major goal: to follow God's will for my life. I chose not to take a full time job, because I didn't want to make myself too busy (as I'm prone to do) so I could have more freedom to do whatever God called me to do.

I loved the idea of being so open to God's calling. I would have more time to read my Bible, I would have time to invest in friendships, I would have time to find a church I liked and get involved. I felt that I would be able to say yes to whatever God wanted me to do.

I was so excited when I heard about a ministry opportunity in Korea. I thought surely this was what God had planned for me--it was perfect. I applied and anxiously awaited a response. Then...I found out I didn't even get an interview. I had started to base my summer on the hope of going to Korea, sure that that was my purpose. When it wasn't, I began to doubt whether God would use me at all.

Since I received the news about Korea, I have been unsatisfied in a lot of ways. I've felt a sort of loss of purpose. I have all this free time, and spend it sleeping, reading, and complaining about how I have nothing to do. I question God's plans for me. Now I know that isn't how God wanted me to spend my summer, so why have I been settling?

I looked up "waiting" in my Bible's concordance today, hoping for answers. In the mentioned verses, the people waited patiently, quietly, confidently, and eagerly. Meanwhile, I've been waiting impatiently and with a sour attitude.

My eyes were opened last night when I read a section of Erwin McManus' book Wide Awake, which I highly recommend by the way. In it, he said "Faith is not the Christian version a wish. It is not about speaking something into reality. Faith is different...It's about knowing what has not happened will certainly happen. Not because you will make it happen but because God has promised it will be so. It's a conviction about things unseen. It's a promise of a better world, a better future--a better you."

I have a God that promises to be with me always, to give me a hope and a future, to provide for me, to forgive me, to love me unconditionally, and to comfort me. All he asks of me is to follow Him and his will for my life...and I can't even do that without questioning? My dad reminded me that the point of praying is not to get answers, but to communicate with our Savior. Just because Korea didn't work out doesn't mean God won't use me somehow. Boy, I've had it all wrong...