Settling

I've recently been hit with the fact that I'm settling in a lot of ways. This summer, I had one major goal: to follow God's will for my life. I chose not to take a full time job, because I didn't want to make myself too busy (as I'm prone to do) so I could have more freedom to do whatever God called me to do.

I loved the idea of being so open to God's calling. I would have more time to read my Bible, I would have time to invest in friendships, I would have time to find a church I liked and get involved. I felt that I would be able to say yes to whatever God wanted me to do.

I was so excited when I heard about a ministry opportunity in Korea. I thought surely this was what God had planned for me--it was perfect. I applied and anxiously awaited a response. Then...I found out I didn't even get an interview. I had started to base my summer on the hope of going to Korea, sure that that was my purpose. When it wasn't, I began to doubt whether God would use me at all.

Since I received the news about Korea, I have been unsatisfied in a lot of ways. I've felt a sort of loss of purpose. I have all this free time, and spend it sleeping, reading, and complaining about how I have nothing to do. I question God's plans for me. Now I know that isn't how God wanted me to spend my summer, so why have I been settling?

I looked up "waiting" in my Bible's concordance today, hoping for answers. In the mentioned verses, the people waited patiently, quietly, confidently, and eagerly. Meanwhile, I've been waiting impatiently and with a sour attitude.

My eyes were opened last night when I read a section of Erwin McManus' book Wide Awake, which I highly recommend by the way. In it, he said "Faith is not the Christian version a wish. It is not about speaking something into reality. Faith is different...It's about knowing what has not happened will certainly happen. Not because you will make it happen but because God has promised it will be so. It's a conviction about things unseen. It's a promise of a better world, a better future--a better you."

I have a God that promises to be with me always, to give me a hope and a future, to provide for me, to forgive me, to love me unconditionally, and to comfort me. All he asks of me is to follow Him and his will for my life...and I can't even do that without questioning? My dad reminded me that the point of praying is not to get answers, but to communicate with our Savior. Just because Korea didn't work out doesn't mean God won't use me somehow. Boy, I've had it all wrong...