Friday, March 26, 2010

Grown up Life

As my college career comes to a close, the reality of grown up life has been on my mind. I don't like when people ask me what I'm doing next because truthfully, I don't know. That's a scary thought. A lot of times I find myself living in fear of the future simply because I don't know what it holds. I know this is not how God wants me to live. This is not how I want to live.

It's been hard not living on campus this year. It's been hard being so consumed with school that I have time for little else. It's been hard not experiencing the fellowship and community I once had at Bethel. Sometimes, when I walk on campus I feel nostalgic. I feel much like I do when I go back to my old summer camp--the familiar sights and smells bring about a flood of memories of truly joyful times. I wish I had more of these memories. Thinking back on college, I spent so much time doing homework and studying and not enough time investing in people and allowing them to invest in me. As I leave Bethel, I carry a little guilt with me. I wish I'd been able to grow closer with the wonderful people who walked campus with me. I wish I'd been vulnerable enough to let more people know me on a close level; I wish I'd worked on building forever friendships. I wish I'd been more available to my friends--that I'd have been the friend they felt they could call at any time and know I would drop anything to be there for them. That's the friend I want to be.

As I move into the next phase of my life, whatever it brings, I want to be different. I want to be a selfless friend. I want to build forever friendships and have a community in which we pray for one another. I want to have my priorities right.

I have a lot of growing up to do.

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